


Monstruosa Aranea, or Monstrous Spider

by Cateia



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other, kmeme fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-19
Updated: 2012-09-19
Packaged: 2017-11-14 14:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cateia/pseuds/Cateia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No shit, there I was..."</p>
<p>Kmeme prompt. Fenris has a very, very bad day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monstruosa Aranea, or Monstrous Spider

Fenris walked in his usual hunched-over way—two steps behind his beloved Hawke, ready to protect her at the first sign of trouble—as they walked up through the Sundermount passage. _I don’t know why we’re here, nor do I care. I’m sure it’s something completely pointless if it’s for that idiotic future abomination who doesn’t know when to keep her damned trap shut._

As if on cue, Merrill’s near-musical babble started to cut through what was otherwise a pleasant silence. Something about butterflies or bunnies or other horseshit Fenris gave exactly zero fucks about.

_If she ends one more sentence that sounds like a question when it’s not…I swear…ehh…I dunno. I guess I’ll tell Hawke to leave me behind the next time we’re errand-running amongst the Dalish._ Fenris grumbled to himself and kept walking, closing the distance between himself and Hawke, hoping that maybe—just maybe—something would jump out in front of them, to make Merrill stop talking. 

“You remind me of Hahren Paivel, Varric. Only younger. And shorter. And not so serious,” Merrill chirped towards Varric, who stopped in his tracks at the sheer vacuousness of the elf’s logic.

_Venhedis... Hey you—Maker—Sebastian’s always prattling on about you always listening and all that bullshit. If you exist, shut her up._

Varric chuckled to himself. “So it’s a close resemblance, then.”

_Do not encourage her, Dwarf._

Fenris and Hawke kept walking while Merrill and Varric paused in order to continue their banter. The petite blood mage was inspecting the bottom of her foot, then trying to turn around and look at her own ass while she tried to explain herself. “Well, he tells stories. And you tell stories. Although none of his begin with _No shit, there I was_.”

To his credit, Fenris had really picked up the pace and almost gotten out of earshot before Merrill delivered that gem of a revelation. Almost. _Fastevas! Just when I thought she couldn’t be any more of an ignoramus…that. It’s a wonder she remembers to breathe. How has she not been eaten by a demon yet?_

Varric slapped his forehead. “I’ll have to give him some better stories, then.”

_Kill. Me. Now._

Hawke sensed Fenris’ growing irritation and doubled her steps just to keep up with him, wanting to keep him calm before he lashed out at Merrill and made her cry…again. _Varric and Merrill will just have to catch up._

Several moments passed in blissful, Merrill-free silence before Fenris and Hawke crossed through a room with a very wide-open space. They had just reached the other side of the clearing when a very strange, very loud _hissssss_ seemed to come from above.

“Probably just a spider,” Hawke muttered as she started to pull her daggers free of their sheaths, back still turned towards the origin of the sound. 

Fenris, however, had turned immediately.

Hawke was right, it was indeed a spider. Fenris stared up into the many eyes of a beast that was easily twenty feet tall. _M-m-monstruosa…a-a-aranea…_ Frozen in terror, the normally unflappable elven warrior did the only thing he could; he shrieked like a little girl. 

The sound of what must have been Merrill’s shriek finally got Hawke to turn around, but the damned dingbat was nowhere in sight. _Where in the Void is she?_ The only other person—aside from that big-ass spider looking down at them—was Fenris. _Huh. Maybe the spider ate her already? Guess it’s time to go to work and do a little slice-and-dice on this thing to get her out of there._ As Hawke started to charge the spider, she saw Varric—with Merrill at his side—rushing in from the opposite side of the clearing. _Wait, that wasn’t Merrill who screamed?_ In that instant it became perfectly clear just who had. And it definitely wasn’t Merrill.

_Is this thing smiling at me? I think it’s smiling at me. Festis bei umo cana varum!_

Years of training, of turning himself into a bad-ass, lyrium-laced fighting machine went out the window as a thin trickle of warm piss slithered its way down his leg and formed a pool in the dirt. The monstrous spider reared, ready to strike him down when a trio of Varric’s well-timed bolts struck it in the back, stunning the massive creature while Merrill rained down fire and Hawke started to hack at it with her daggers. As the spider reeled, Fenris was finally able to shake himself back to reality and slink off to the side, shaking so violently that he couldn’t even grab his sword. All he could do was sit on the ground, knees pulled tight to his chest, rocking back and forth as he watched his companions take down the beast.

Finally—with much fanfare and only a little bit of spider guts—Hawke, Merrill, and Varric emerged victorious. The monster collapsed onto the ground, sprawled on its belly. Hawke approached Fenris, who was still rocking himself, muttering something in what she could only assume was his native language. 

“Are you okay?” Hawke asked as she extended a hand, still covered in spider goo. Fenris didn’t notice before he took the offering, recoiling in terror as his hands hit the still-warm ooze. “Oh…sorry, princess,” she teased as she wiped her hand on her leathers and tried again. He scowled at the jab and took her hand this time, dusting off his ass as he straightened up. It was then that he noticed the dark spot on the front of his pants. He tried to adjust so that it wasn’t so noticeable, but it was too late. 

Merrill rushed over and bent down to inspect the spot. “Ooh, Fenris, are you hurt? Wait…that’s not blood…” She sniffed. “Uh…did you--”

“Shut up, maleficar,” Fenris spat, twisting his hips away from her, turning his back to the dead spider as the four of them started to leave. 

He was nearly to the stairs when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Not paying attention, Fenris automatically barked, “What is it now? Would you like to point out that dirt is brown? Water is wet?”

“Uh…Fenris? Who are you talking to?” Merrill asked from somewhere ahead of him, having stopped when she heard his voice. She reached over her back for her staff as the annoyed warrior looked up at her with an icy glare. 

In an instant, the harshness of Fenris’ expression changed to horror as he realized his companions were all standing on the platform above him. _I shouldn’t turn around. Really, I shouldn’t. I should just ignore that tap and catch up to the others._

He really, really shouldn’t have turned…but he did anyway.

The others had merely knocked the spider unconscious. As Fenris turned around, he could have sworn it was smiling at him again…and gave a little flip of one of it’s fangs, almost like a friendly little wave. 

Fenris let out a stunted, nervous giggle…and then everything went black.

Hours later, back at the Hanged Man, Fenris growled and picked yet another piece of goo-covered spider _something_ out of his hair. "Was it truly necessary to make the spider explode?" he muttered, flicking the piece of spider towards the corner behind him with disgust. 

"Aww, Fenris, but green is your color!" Hawke laughed and went to slap him on the back but stopped, really not eager to touch him while he was still covered in whatever it was that made spiders stink so damned bad when hit with a lightning bolt and blown to smithereens.

_I will never, ever get this smell out of my nostrils. Ever. Not even Hawke’s perfume could cancel out the vile stench of that creature’s guts. Does Lady Elegant make anything that would take the bile stains out of my hair?_

“Is there something you want to say, Fenris?” Merrill asked with saccharine sweetness, batting her eyelashes at the filthy elf. “An apology, or perhaps a thank you? Maybe you’d like me to cast a cleansing spell for you?”

“I do not need your magic, witch,” Fenris muttered as he took another pull from his mug, grimacing as he forced it down. _Of all the days for Corff to run out of Aggregio…_

“I’m not a witch, I’m a mage,” Merrill replied crisply, smug in her ability to finally outwit Fenris.

The former slave let out a derisive snort. “What’s the difference?”

“Well, for starters, witches—“

“That was a rhetorical question, you dolt.”

“Now Fenris…behave yourself,” Hawke chided, a smirk on her face. “If Merrill hadn’t used her magic, that spider would have eaten you. Or fucked you. Probably that, actually. It _did_ look like it had a crush on you. I think it even smiled at you.” She drained her ale and waved at Corff for another round. “And you owe me a new pair of boots. I stepped in your…uh…puddle.”

_My…puddle? …oh. She’s going to make me do more than buy her new boots, I suspect._

“I’m pretty sure I saw that thing wink at him,” Varric chimed in helpfully. “You should punish him for flirting with another woman.”

_Do not encourage her, Dwarf._

Hawke shrugged. “I think it must have been a male. I don’t see how it wouldn’t be attracted to that pretty, high-pitched squeal of delight Fenris let loose when they met. I mean, I honestly thought it was Merrill,” she said.

_Is she fucking serious?_

“Ooh, I can’t wait to tell the people down at the alienage about this,” Merrill said, clasping her hands in delight. “I’ll be all like, _No shit, there I was, blowing up a spider because the big, bad warrior pissed his pants and passed out when he saw it…_ ” Her green eyes glittered like emeralds as she fought to contain her excitement. Truly, the day belonged to Merrill. Finally.

_If I wasn’t certain Hawke would kill me on the spot, my fist would already have this stupid twat’s heart in it._

“That sounds absolutely perfect, Daisy,” Varric said, shaking his head.

_Kill. Me. Now._

Fenris flopped down on to the table dramatically, burying his face in his arms with a loud groan. He heard the door of the tavern open. _Please, Maker, don't let it be..._

“Hey guys! So, who wants to hear the latest version of my manifesto?”

_...Anders. Thanks. Really. I'll remember this one._

“Not it,” the other three quickly spat as they hurriedly rose from their seats, leaving Fenris to contend with Anders.

_Fastevas. Can this day get any worse? You know, on second thought, forget I asked that. Not that you actually exist, but whatever. I can’t believe this, but what the heck. I think listening to the abomination is actually preferable to being around the others._

Fenris let out a sigh as Anders sat beside him, shuffling the papers of his manifesto and clearing his throat.

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Needed a break from Heavier Things, if only for a minute.
> 
> For a kmeme prompt: http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/9086.html?thread=37039486#t37039486
> 
> "Since DA2 took "big ass spiders" to a whole new level, I would like to see someone, anyone (But preferably someone big and manly and not given to screaming like a little girl.) run into one of those monstrous spiders and completely freaking out.
> 
> Feel free to let his/her companions mock them thoroughly afterwards. "


End file.
